Yep, you read that title right, I’m a cheater…
For almost the last year of my life I’ve been cheating.
I’ve been debating whether or not to share this but I think things like this aren’t shared enough. Cheaters are ashamed and people being cheated on are ashamed. Cheating is such a common thing for men and women to experience, especially now with texting, social media, and endless amounts of dating apps. There’s always something or someone “better” a swipe, send, or double tap away. There are unlimited options and comparisons we have at our fingertips, 24/7.
First of all, let’s talk about cheating. What do I consider cheating within committed relationships?
To act dishonestly, choosing to lie or hide specific events or details that you know will cause distrust, secretly going against you and your partners agreements/boundaries in order to gain some sort of physical and/or emotional pleasure/validation with sexual intentions and/or intimacy from someone else (emotional and/or physical).
Alright, now that we got that covered, let me explain myself.
As of a few months ago, I started to tune into my surrounding and see reflections within my all of my relationships and situations in everyday life. I truly began to see how pretty much everything could be seen as a mirror of my own life.
It wasn’t until a few nights ago (when I was on the phone with an angel bff) that I realized there was still one reflection I didn’t quite understand…The cheating insecurity and conflict that came up in each of my committed relationships.
Yes, in all of my relationships I’ve experienced some form of “being cheated on.”
(I won’t bore you with details of my entire love life, but please know that I have no feelings other than unconditional love and gratitude towards all of my past relationships! But to save you some confusion, none of my serious relationships ended because of cheating.)
Why was I attracting this? What were these guys actions reflecting to me?!
I barley even talk to other men when I’m in a relationship… I treated them like Kings. Was I not doing enough? Was I doing too much?
I wasn’t being delusional, they all told me I was the one, that they wanted to marry me and spend the rest of their lives with me, that they we’re 1000% committed to me and our relationship. But they clearly didn’t act that way all of the time.
I kept hearing all these wonderful things, yet each separation left me feeling betrayed, neglected, and confused. But I was their Queen. Why wasn’t I feeling or being treated like one? Why?!!!
I finally noticed the pattern.
I was cheating on myself! Not anyone but my damn self.
I was neglecting myself.
I was lying to and hiding from myself.
I sure as hell was not treating myself like a Queen.
I was going against my own boundaries so that I could continue to receive love and validation from someone other than myself.
I’m a cheater.
I was distracting myself from the lack of love and faith I had for myself by investing all of my energy, love and faith into my relationship. I was picking up my own slack but directing it in the opposite direction.
For the last year, my relationship was my main focus.
This relationship was incredible, for the most part! At times, better than I had ever imagined.
We had borders separating us from being free to choose where we lived our lives together. But making that an obstacle was not an option for me. I was dedicated and 100% committed to being together, no matter what. I was in it, and although I was told that was mutual… it really wasn’t. Why was that?
Because I wasn’t “in it” with myself. I was so dedicated and committed to this partnership that I started losing myself, letting go of my standards, my other relationships, and my own independent life in the process…And I was okay with it.
I claimed to be committed to myself and my personal growth… and at times I was, pretty much up until we passed the 1 year mark. After that, I really wasn’t consistently focusing on any aspect of me, my relationship with myself or anyone else…at least not like I was with my intimate relationship.
I was cheating on myself… Heck, I’ve cheated on myself in all of my relationships.
I was willing to give up the relationship with myself, unconsciously… thinking THAT would make another one work.
Like I said before, I didn’t see this clearly until a few days ago.
I was lying, breaking my own trust with the standards that I had for myself and my relationships, betraying myself… for months! I was thinking “well if I just keep giving, loving, supporting, and pouring effort into my relationship like I so badly want to, I’m bound to receive all of that back.”
I didn’t want to give up, because I didn’t want him to give up on us…on me.
Let me just tell you right now to save you a painful lesson.. it (usually) does not work that way.
What I really needed was to stop giving up on myself and pour alllll of that energy into me.
But I didn’t even want to, I literally felt like I couldn’t… and I didn’t fully until I had no choice… even now I’m still struggling with it.
But, thank god for the little bit of self respect and commitment I had left in me to finally make a decision to put myself first and leave.
I hope someone who needs a wake up call reads this and finds some strength to choose themselves again.
And please know, not all relationships have to end for you to do so.
Here are the main key points and lessons from these blessings:
-Cheating didn’t happen to me because I deserved it or wasn’t good enough. It happened for me so that I could confront my insecurities and learn how to treat myself and others with unconditional love, compassion, respect, and commitment.
-You can work and move past anything if both parties are willing to: support each other, communicate fully, honestly, and clearly, love each other where they’re at, fully commit and act on their own commitments to themselves and to each other everyday, continue to date each other (and yourselves)…plan special surprises, events, trips, days for each other. Don’t let the excitement and new experiences together fade away.
-You are only a victim to yourself.
-Do not allow yourself to commit to being fully in with someone if they’re not fully in it with you. Even though they might say that’s the case, you’ll know by intuition and/or actions (or lack of).
-Don’t commit to anyone until you’re TRULY & fully committed to yourself.
-Not all of your needs have to be met by one person…and if they’re not, talk about it so you can both come to a mutual solution! COMMUNICATE! It makes life a whole lot easier.
-Actions speak louder than words, for both parties.
-You’ve created and co-created all circumstances in your life for a reason.
-You don’t have to sacrifice yourself or your relationship(s) for anything, anyone, money, career, goals…nothing.
-No relationships are perfect, they all take work sometimes.. because nobody is perfect, not you or me.
-Everyone is doing the best they can with what they know.
-The only way to fully forgive and forget others for cheating is to acknowledge and forgive the areas in your life that you’ve cheated yourself. You need to take responsibility just as much as they do.
-Bring balance to every area of your life. That is where lasting, fulfilment resides.
-If you’re going through anything like this, I’m not saying it’s all your fault. Relationships are a two way street that take balanced investment from 2 people.
-Treat yourself how you want to be treated.
-These mirrors don’t always translate to or from our intimate relationships. Look at your friendships, family relationships, work life, business, even just keeping yourself so busy you never have time for yourself.