Metamorphosis of Loneliness

This blog entry was written on January 24, 2019. I was in the beginning stages of a major, unforeseen life shakeup. As I start to regain my balance and find my footing down the other side of this new path of mine, I feel like this post is finally ready to be published. So here it is, almost 3 months later.

Enjoy! x

For my entire life I’ve had a partner. For the most part, it’s been my sister. 

Up until 2.5 years ago, my sister and I have basically been inseparable. We were always like twins. Random people would even come up to us and ask us if we were. We lived together, hung out with the same friends, traveled together, went to events together, started businesses together, worked together, ate together, planned and daydreamed our futures together.. we were like each others boyfriends. 

My sister is now married with a beautiful daughter, the cutest baby girl in the entire world (I’m the luckiest Aunty ever). And they now live on the other side of the continent in another Country.

After leaving my new home and moving back to Canada a few weeks ago, some tough reality started to set in. 

This is the first time I’m ACTUALLY like really on my own.

All of my best, closest, friends live in different cities, or countries, and I’m very newly single. 

I knew everything was about to change, drastically…and that I was about to get WAY out of my comfort zone.

You see, when my sister met her now husband, I met someone and fell into my own committed relationship verrrry shortly after, so i never really felt a huge dynamic shift in that area of my life. She was gone, and someone else filled her shoes right away, without me even trying… it just happened so effortlessly. 

I thought, wow how convenient… My sister is off on her new life, living her dreams and I’m doing the same!

But then it eventually all came crashing down.. my comfort zone was pulled out from underneath me within an instant. 

The Universe was not about to let me get away with it that easy… I thought I could just skip over this huge lesson and stay cozy in my cocoon of codependent love that I’ve always known.

Here I am now.. facing the real music, learning more about myself than I ever have in my entire life.

I thought I was single for most of my life but I really wasn’t. As weird as it sounds, if I didn’t have a boyfriend, I had my sister and if I didn’t have my sister, I had a boyfriend (in total, only about 4 years of my life). 

Yes, I’ve said it before in other posts… I know I’m never really alone, I still have my friends and family… but this is the first time in my life where I’m truly learning about what It’s like to be fully independent and single, Andrea. 

The amount of growth and strength that comes out of allowing yourself to go there for the first time in your life is insane. 

You know that quote.. “Nothing good comes from inside your comfort zone” or something along those lines?…

It’s so true.

I NEVER would have learned the lessons I’m learning now within the safety of a relationship. 

I’ve began to flourished in the presence of me and only me. In my “loneliness”, I have found a huge part of myself I’ve been hiding behind and within others for my entire life. 

Yes there’s tons of growth within relationships… but I’m in awe of these times of solitude I’ve experienced with myself…I really don’t see how I would truly be transcending these patterns and lessons without a longer period of time on my own, with 0 distraction. If  I didn’t commit to myself in this new season of my life, I don’t see how it would’ve been possible to truly commit to someone anyone else, without repeating the same patterns over and over again. 

I know… relationships and partnership feel amazing! But you know what feels even better? Feeling just as amazing on your own! And not just for a day or two.

If you haven’t done so in a while…take time to consiously be there for yourself by yourself, to fall in unconditional love with yourself, to be your ONE, learn how to feel safe and seen being all of you by yourself without having a safety net of validation to fall back on. It’s so underrated these days… yes it’s scary, because of built in security and significance that relationships bring us, but it’s soooo fucking worth it. 

In the end, I know I’ll look back on this time as the metamorphosis which once cocooned me, and then catapulted me into the butterfly I always knew I could be, who I really am. 

(This all applies to you too ^ replace “me” and “I” with you.)

With Love, 

Andrea

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