I’ve had a very transformative year. Lots of ups and downs, changes, adjusting to so much new and readjusting to old.
Something that has weighed heavy on my heart continuously, over the last few months, is that I’ve felt a lot of people I’ve supported and connected with over the last 3 years, intentionally disconnecting from me.
No, they don’t owe me an explanation or anything at all for that matter… but I guess feeling the unspoken disconnection started to make me feel like there was something wrong with me, or that I was somehow being misunderstood.
I’ve created multiple stories around this like: “they don’t support me” “they don’t like what I do for a living” “I’m not apart of their circle or community anymore” “they don’t like what I post on social media” “I’m not spiritual enough” “I’m too much spiritual” “they never actually liked me” “I was too quiet around them” “I’m not providing enough value for them to stick around” “did I do something wrong?”… and trust me, there’s a lot more where that came from.
All of these judgments I think others are saying or thinking about me to cause a disconnection in our “relationship” could 100% be accurate… but there’s also no concrete evidence confirming that exact explanation. Either way, I know that I’m being triggered by them for a reason.
That reason being, they are relevant insecurities of mine. Another one being the fact that I clearly care about what others think of me.
Triggers are our teachers.
So what’s the underlying pattern or belief in all of these stories?
“I’m not good enough.”
This has always been something I’ve struggled with, and something I know the majority of others do as well.
Since that has been a prevalent belief in my life, of course it’s showing up for me in all sorts of ways.
Everyone is a reflection for us, in some way or another. And what we personally experience is always present for a purpose.
When I really boiled it down to look at what it was all trying to teach me, I realized that It wasn’t about the specific people, it was about me and that I was really just disconnecting from myself, the best version of me I wanted so badly to finally, fully step into. My belief wasn’t focused on that version of me, it was focussed on the wounded, fearful, people pleasing, masked, perfectionist, untrue version of me.
So how do we learn and grow from things like this? How do we stop caring about what others think? How do we stop judging ourselves and creating these ego fabricated stories, through other peoples potential perceptions? How do we love ourselves so fiercely that none of these thoughts or judgments are given a second thought, or even cross our minds?
I believe we create these stories/insecurities to use them as markers. They show us where we can shift our focus, grow from, and then release them to ultimately stay true to the highest version of ourselves and passions.
Focusing on what/how people think, say, or act towards us is not focusing on others, its focusing on ourselves, but in the worst way. It will never bring joy or fill our cups if we continue to focus our attention there.
Focus on the solution, not the problem.
You can recognize the “problem.” In this case the insecurity, wound, fear, worry, or the egos made up stories. But then use it as a tool to solve what is really creating the thoughts and beliefs about yourself, that then make those things show up in your life.
We did not grace this earth to live and evolve for the satisfaction of others.
That’s not to say we should not do anything for anyone else.. I’m a firm believer that all of us, to our core are meant to live in service to all…By doing good deeds, helping others, treating your loved one, giving, supporting others, being empathetic and kind, etc. When we act in service to ourselves and others by showing up, sharing vulnerability, bravery, and leadership we are being the example for others, giving them permission to feel like they can do the same. Life is also about experiencing humanity and all of its encompassing duality, that will always be. And that’s a huge reason why I started this blog.
Something else I’ve learned is that popular saying “Rejection is Gods protection” and the Universe will clear what is no longer serving you, to make room for more of what does. I know who my tribe is, who my real friends are, and I’ve created so many amazing new ones. That’s what I choose to focus on now.
Ultimately, everyone will perceive me (and you) differently, based on how they want to see me and based on their life experience, thus far. I can’t force anyone to want to hear/understand my side of a story or what I’ve gone/grown through. There’s NO way for me to ever control that, so why let it control me?
To the people who love and support me and my journey, unconditionally…I am eternally and utterly grateful for you. And for all of the others who may not, I still love and appreciate you too. You are all my teachers, all bringing me back to love. Thank you.
I’ve struggled with the “I’m not good enough.” I felt ashamed as though I’m inadequate so I looked to others to tell me who to be and what to do, compromising my needs along the way.
Moving forward into the New year it is time to stop letting these self-harming thoughts make me feel emotionally and psychologically oppressed. It’s time for a paradigm shift.